


Definitions

by Rikudera



Series: Awakenings verse [3]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-13
Updated: 2011-08-13
Packaged: 2017-10-29 15:38:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/321466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rikudera/pseuds/Rikudera
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Being a Nobody, for Roxas, is like having to re-learn a language you thought you already knew how to speak. He gets help from some of the other members of the Organization, but the more he learns, the more questions he has, especially when people tell him he needs a heart to find the answers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Definitions

**Author's Note:**

> Starts during Day 17 of 358/2 and continues up until near the end of the game. While modifications were made to this fic after I completed playing Days, Roxas’s first trip to Castle Oblivion was planned out after Re:CoM was released, before the Japanese release of Days. The main modifications to this fic after Days were in regards to Xion as a whole [including a few timeline changes in certain parts of the fic] and Roxas’s second trip to Castle Oblivion.
> 
> Beta'd by the ever-lovely and forgiving wayya.

“All right, fight fight _fight_ ,” Axel grins, clapping for show. Roxas turns his head to the door, keyblade still drawn, and the few Dusks remaining around him twitch in place. “What, has Saïx got you doing training exercises, or something?”

“I’m supposed to prove my endurance by surviving for at least a minute,” Roxas responds, casting a sideways glance towards the Dusk he was about to hit before ignoring it in favor of walking towards Axel. That was what Saïx had said his mission was, after all. Even when Roxas didn’t have a mission off-world, Saïx had said that it was important for him to train and get stronger.

“Really, is that all?” Axel asks, grinning as he dismisses the lesser Nobodies with a snap of the fingers. “Where’s the challenge in that?” Roxas looks at him blankly.

“It was the mission I was given,” Roxas answers. Missions were important, weren’t they? Axel exhales loudly.

“Yeah, yeah, I get that that’s what Saïx wants you to do,” the redhead replies, waving a hand dismissively, “but it’s not that much of a challenge, is it?”

“No.” Of _course_ it’s not a challenge. They’re just _Dusks_ , after all. Roxas could do this with a hand tied behind his back, and he’s almost offended that Axel might think otherwise.

“So wouldn’t it be better for your training if you fought against an enemy that was stronger?” Was Axel thinking of something like the Samurai that Saïx said Roxas would oversee soon, or a different type of Nobody that Axel was in control of? Axel takes out his chakrams to make things a little clearer. “Just think of it as extra credit,” he grins.

“Extra credit?” Did Axel want Roxas to fight _him_ instead? Did friends do things like that?

“It’s extra practice. You don’t have to,” Axel explains, “but people are more impressed by it. Plus, it can be fun, too.” And with that, he dashes forward, grinning. Roxas, battle-reflexes reacting to the advance, immediately calls his keyblade into his hands to parry Axel’s strike. Roxas doesn’t think that Axel _really_ wants to fight him, since Axel’s smiling right now, so is this a different kind of training? “Relax,” Axel says, “it’s supposed to be fun.” Deciding to give Axel the benefit of the doubt for now, Roxas pushes back the chakram and attempts to strike a blow of his own.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

After a little bit, Roxas agrees that training by fighting Axel _is_ fun. Taking advantage of the extra space, Roxas dashes in and swipes at Axel's midsection. Caught seemingly off-guard, Axel's forced to backpedal once again, but stops short when his back hits the wall.

"I win," Roxas says, moving close, panting slightly from the exertion, and holding his keyblade against Axel's neck.

"Good job," Axel responds, grinning widely as he dismisses his chakrams. "That was better practice for you than the Dusks, wasn't it?" Roxas notices, then, that Axel isn't nearly as out of breath as he is, and so he lowers his keyblade.

"You shouldn't go easy on me," Roxas frowns. This only makes Axel laugh, though, green eyes bright and focused right on him.

"It's a little early for that still, I think," he says. Roxas contemplates bringing his keyblade closer to Axel's neck again.

"We need a rematch.” He wants Axel to take him seriously. “If it’s just because I'm new, or-" He’s interrupted, however, when Axel suddenly leans down and touches his lips to Roxas's. In his shock, Roxas's keyblade is dispelled.

It's... strange, Roxas thinks, but not in a bad way. He feels a little dizzy, almost, though it’s somehow not from any of the fighting he and Axel have just been doing but from that other thing Axel’s just done. After a moment or two, Axel separates his lips from Roxas's and looks down at him, cautious but with his eyes still bright.

"What was that?" Roxas asks. For some reason, his cheeks feel warm.

"Sometimes," Axel says, "there are other things friends can do together."

"Like ice cream?" This seems to make Axel start smiling again.

"Better than ice cream," the redhead replies. Roxas can't think of anything better than ice cream. "Something only for special friends, not anyone else. Think of it as an extra reward for the extra practice." Roxas contemplates this. Axel is his friend, and he likes eating ice cream with Axel. That other thing with the touching lips is utterly fascinating, but it was so short that Roxas isn't sure if it really _is_ better than ice cream. Seeming to notice the hesitation, Axel reaches down slowly and tilts Roxas's chin up, then does the lip thing again.

This time, it's softer, and Axel doesn't move away so quickly. It’s _really_ nice, and makes something in the general vicinity of Roxas’s stomach twitch in anticipation. Roxas has no idea, of course, what the anticipation is _for_ , but he’s not going to admit that to Axel just yet.

"Not so bad, huh?" Axel asks, after they've parted again. Roxas is somehow finding it difficult to form a proper response - partly because he doesn't think he knows the words to describe what just happened - but Axel doesn't seem to mind. In fact, the lack of coherency only seems to make Axel more pleased, green eyes glinting and cheeks pulled tight in a wide grin.

Roxas isn't sure what to say in response, but he really likes what Axel just did, and he wants to do it again, so he pulls at the front of Axel's coat to bring Axel's face within reach. This whole situation is very new and strange, but Axel seems to like this thing as much as Roxas, so Roxas pushes his lips against Axel's again. Axel wrapping his arms around Roxas confirms that it was the right response, and Roxas likes that, too. After a little bit of that, Axel pushes them closer together, and it doesn't take Roxas long to decide that he likes that even _better_. Roxas feels himself starting to breathe harder again, not like when he and Axel were fighting, but surprisingly enjoyable in a similar enough way. He makes a little protesting noise when Axel unwinds one of his arms from around his waist, but the reason for it soon becomes clear.

Axel forms a corridor behind himself, and pulls Roxas with him, through it and into another room. They detach for a moment, and Roxas figures that the small room with a bed, nightstand, and window to the outside must be Axel's bedroom. After the black swirl of the corridor closes, Axel pulls him close again, hesitating just a fraction of a second before he does so. Roxas looks up at the green gaze studying his every move.

"We're friends, right?" Axel asks, one of his long, thin, over-warm hands resting on the small of Roxas's back. When they're this close to each other, Roxas can feel the heat seeping through the thick leather of his coat; it feels really nice, and Roxas find himself wondering what it would feel like if their coats weren't there to get in the way.

"Of course," Roxas replies easily. He likes going on missions with Axel, he likes fighting and training with Axel, and he likes eating ice cream and talking on the clock tower with Axel. That makes them friends. So if there are more things that he can do with Axel, and if _this_ thing that Axel's showing him keeps being just as interesting and nice, then Roxas wants to find out what happens next. Roxas doesn't want Axel to have second thoughts about this thing because he doesn't want Axel to have second thoughts about them being friends. It's as simple as that. "Axel?" he keeps looking up at the other Nobody, rests his hands on the front of Axel's coat, breathing through slightly parted lips, and clutches lightly at the leather.

It's only after the prompting that Axel seems to recover, smile slitting his face once more and green eyes looking confident and pleased. The hand at Roxas's back rubs slightly, and Axel's other hand cups Roxas's chin, holding it in place. Roxas absently wonders why his breathing is so weird, since it's been a while since he and Axel stopped fighting. Maybe it's the lip thing they were doing, though that doesn't make much sense, really. Whatever it is, Roxas just finds himself wanting it to continue.

Everything Axel seems to be doing right now is new and exciting in a way Roxas doesn't quite know how to define, and he doesn't really know if he's supposed to be saying anything during the times between the lip-touching, but Axel doesn't seem to mind. In fact, Axel seems to like the way Roxas can't really form proper sentences right now, but Roxas still tries to make up for it in enthusiasm. Roxas is glad that Axel seems to like that, too, and that Axel doesn't mind the heat he seems to be transferring from himself to Roxas's face and body. It's even better when there aren't bulky coats to get in the way, when tight leather gloves and pants and black cotton shirts are smoothly removed, when there's nothing at all that could possibly get in between Roxas and Axel and the sensation of Axel's skin touching his.

By the time Roxas finds himself laying down on Axel's bed, looking up at Axel, he's panting and dizzy in what must be the best way possible. When Axel is looking down at him, bright red hair slightly damp from sweat and smile grinning wider than Roxas has ever seen, he looks so much _different_ than usual. When they're in the castle, or on a mission, Axel is always confident, and usually also not that respectful of the older members of the Organization, but when it's just him and Roxas, it shows an entirely new side of Axel. His smile is more... open, in a way. Unguarded, maybe. Roxas really likes touching Axel and being touched by him, but the look on Axel's face might be the best part, he thinks.

"Hey, Roxas, you, uh... sure you wanna do this?" Roxas thinks it's kind of a ridiculous question for Axel to ask, because if Roxas wasn't sure about any of this, he would've said so earlier. "I should’ve explained more..." It's true that this thing Axel's showing him is new and unfamiliar, but the way Axel's pressed close and warm and making Roxas's cheeks heat up and brain scramble a bit is _really nice_. Roxas is as sure as he knows how to be that he wants to keep doing this with Axel.

"We're... friends, right?" Roxas repeats the question Axel directed at him before. He knows he hasn't been talking as much as Axel, letting mostly-unintelligible sounds out of his mouth instead half the time they've been doing this, but the idea of Axel thinking Roxas might change his mind is... something Roxas _doesn't_ like. When Axel just stares at him for another moment or so, Roxas tugs lightly on one of the locks of bright red hair around Axel's face. Thankfully, the tug seems to snap Axel out of it, and he smiles again, green eyes bright.

"Right," Axel says. "Don't tell me you haven't memorized that yet." Roxas isn't sure if that was a joke or not, but before he can ask, Axel touches his lips to Roxas's again and continues.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

After Roxas’s body calms back down, Roxas notices that Axel is looking at him strangely.

“…You okay?” Axel asks, like he’s not sure what Roxas’s answer will be. Roxas thinks that Axel is being overly cautious because that was definitely better than ice cream.

“You were right,” Roxas says. He’s a little sore, and maybe a little breathless, too, but he doesn’t mind it. “This _is_ better than ice cream.” Axel grins madly at that, and Roxas finds himself smiling in return. Then, Axel takes a leisurely look down the length of Roxas's body.

"Messier, too," Axel comments, still looking pleased. Roxas looks down at himself in turn and blinks.

"I didn't expect it to be so sticky," he admits, which makes Axel laugh.

"Guess it's bathtime now, hmm?" Axel suggests. Roxas nods, slowly, thoughts still slightly sluggish. Axel presses his lips to Roxas's again, which Roxas still likes, and pulls him up to a sitting position. That brings the soreness back a little, but Axel is quick to reassure him. “Don’t worry, you’ll feel better after you soak in the bath a bit.” He reaches for some towels, using one of them to clean up the worst of the mess, and then hands Roxas his coat back. “We should, uh, keep a low profile about this, probably. We’ll go through a corridor to the baths.”

“Axel?” Roxas asks, before the redhead can lead him to the baths. Axel pauses in zipping his own coat back up to look at Roxas.

“Hm? If it’s about not letting the others know, I can explain-” Roxas shakes his head. Axel already explained that it was only for special friends, so it doesn’t bother him that they have to hide it.

“I was just wondering…” Roxas does it slowly, because he’s a little embarrassed about having to ask after the fact, but he brings Axel’s face to his own and touches their lips together again. “That thing. What’s it called?” Axel, who had seemed nervous – almost guilty – for a moment, visibly relaxes with a laugh.

“That’s called a kiss, Roxas.”

“Oh,” Roxas says, and then lets Axel lead him through the corridor to the baths.

When Roxas gets back to his room, he writes in his diary.

_Today, I completed a mission to test my endurance with some Dusks. After I was done, Axel showed up and we did extra practice together. Then, Axel kissed me, and we went to his room and did other things together, too. It was even better than when Axel first gave me ice cream. Strange at first, and a little messy, but I really liked it. Axel showed me because we’re friends. Since we were messy after, Axel and I had bathtime together, and then I went back to my room._

It doesn’t occur to Roxas until he’s under the covers, just about to fall asleep, that he forgot to ask Axel what the rest of it besides the kissing was called.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

All during the next week, after they’ve talked and eaten ice cream on the clock tower and RTC’d, Roxas and Axel go back to Axel’s room. They kiss, and they do the other thing, too; Axel starts calling it Bathtime. Roxas thinks that it might be so Axel can talk to him about it when other members of the Organization are there, so he follows suit. He hesitates to ask Axel what its actual name is, for some reason, but he doesn't know why. Maybe because he wants to find it out himself, instead of having to ask.

One evening, Axel reveals that he’s going to be starting a special mission the next day with some of the other members, in a place called Castle Oblivion. When Roxas asks Axel about the mission, he only responds that it’s secret. When Roxas asks about Castle Oblivion, Axel only says that it’s a dangerous place that Roxas should stay far away from. Axel doesn’t even stay at the clock tower very long after that, and then also says that they can’t have Bathtime because Axel needs to spend the evening getting ready for his mission. The only thing Axel does that evening is kiss Roxas once, and then leave him with a half-finished ice cream and a lot of confused questions.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

As soon as Roxas steps foot into Castle Oblivion, he feels strange. He left the Castle in the World That Never Was late at night, when he was supposed to be asleep. He snuck down to the mission area in order to find out where Oblivion was, and then went back to his room, like he was going to bed. Axel had said before he left two days ago that the Castle Oblivion mission was top secret, but even if Roxas wasn’t really supposed to go to Castle Oblivion, he just couldn’t help himself.

Whether it was because of Axel, or just his own curiosity, he felt himself being drawn to that place. Roxas had tried to ignore that sensation, but he’d heard that Castle Oblivion was supposed to be really dangerous. What if something had happened to Axel? Roxas _needed_ to go there now, and he wasn’t bothered about it being dangerous for himself; he needed to see for himself that _Axel_ was okay. He couldn’t sleep until he found out for sure, and so he made another secret corridor from his room, this time to the halls of Castle Oblivion.

Now that Roxas is actually _in_ Oblivion, though, he’s not sure if it was a mistake or not. There’s something about the Castle that makes him feel strange, unsteady. His head starts to hurt, and Roxas holds a hand to it to counter the sudden pressure. There’s something on the edge of his consciousness that he can’t quite grasp, some type of image. Heedless of the cameras placed throughout the hall, Roxas stumbles over to the shadow of one of the large, white columns, leaning against it to steady himself and catch his breath.

“You are _so fucking lucky_ ,” a familiar voice says, as its owner materializes out of a corridor to stand next to him, “that I was the one assigned to watch the cameras this shift. If it’d been Marluxia or Zexion…” The owner of the voice tugs Roxas deeper into the shadow of the column, out of sight of most of the cameras, and Roxas has no idea what the word _fucking_ means, but he’s too disoriented to argue. Those hands pulling him are so _warm_. Trying to regain his equilibrium, he looks up into the face of the other person. He recognizes that voice, those hands… doesn’t he?

“…Axel?” Roxas blinks, and Axel’s frowning, pale face comes into focus. Then, he’s suddenly reminded of the reason for his visit to this castle. “Axel! You’re okay!” Axel looks surprised. “I was so worried about you!” The very thought of Axel being anything other than okay is too awful to think about. Roxas grips the front of Axel’s coat tightly, trying to get his point across past Axel’s still-disbelieving face. “You’re…” his head pounds, and he doesn’t know why being in this castle is causing these sensations, so he tries to focus on Axel to drown the rest of it out. “You’re okay, right, Axel?” He looks up at the other Nobody pleadingly.

“Roxas, you need to get out of here.” Axel’s voice is steely, and he ignores Roxas’s question. “It’s not safe here, especially not for you.” For a split second, Roxas gets a flash of an image, of blue eyes in a face almost exactly like his own and a wide, carefree smile; he stumbles again, releasing his hold on Axel’s coat and once again pressing his throbbing head with one hand. “Come on, let’s get you RTC’d.” Axel catches him with one lanky arm and holds his other out at his side, a dark corridor swirling into shape at the edge of his gloved fingertips.

“No,” Roxas says, clinging to Axel and planting his feet. He feels like he’s disconnecting, somehow, getting inexplicably blindsided by that face, and going through a corridor is only going to make it worse. “I’ll disappear if I go through.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Roxas.” Axel, if possible, has grown even paler. “You’ve got your coat; you’ll be fine.”

“What happens when someone without a heart dies, Axel?” Roxas asks. “Do they just disappear?” He clings tighter to the redhead’s arm as his voice goes quieter. “I don’t want to disappear,” he whispers. “I don’t want you to disappear, either.” His head pounds again. Through his swimming vision, Axel looks almost _panicked_. The corridor Axel’s made starts to shrink, now that Axel’s focused almost fully on Roxas.

“Roxas, you’re not going to disappear.” Axel brings his face closer to Roxas’s, which helps a little with the pounding in his head. He doesn’t look sure of what he’s just said at _all_ , though, and he didn’t even mention himself.

“You… wouldn’t let us disappear, right, Axel?” Roxas asks, touching a hand to Axel’s face.

“Of course not,” Axel promises instantly. “I won’t ever let you disappear.” Again, he neglects to mention himself, and this only serves to make Roxas worried again. Roxas lets his hand wrap around to the back of Axel’s neck and pulls him forward, kissing him fiercely. Axel is shocked still for a moment, and then tries to push Roxas away. “You’re not thinking clearly, Roxas. You need to go back and RTC.”

“I don’t want to go through a corridor,” Roxas insists. “Don’t make me go.” He reaches up to kiss the redhead again, pushing him up against the column to keep him in place. When Axel breaks the kiss again, he seems almost at a loss for words.

“Roxas, you need to go-”

“Stay here with me,” Roxas pleads, letting all the urgency built up inside him come through in his voice. Axel frowns again. “ _Axel_.” Axel is still silent, so Roxas kisses him again, presses himself as close to Axel as possible. Their coats get in the way, so Roxas unzips his and shrugs it off his shoulders; he pulls Axel’s coat open as well, clinging to the other Nobody as they slowly slide to a sitting position on the floor. He keeps kissing Axel, all over his face, pulls their bodies close in the heat and desperation of his addled senses, gasping soft, meaningless words at Axel until the tension between himself and Axel is greater than the pull of too-similar blue eyes that belong to someone else.

If he stays like this with Axel, as close as he can, their imperfect bodies and hollow insides clinging to each other and kissing and gasping for release, then he can stay as Roxas and not anyone else.

Afterwards, everything is sluggish and fuzzy. Roxas vaguely hears Axel murmuring something to him, but for some reason, he can’t interpret what Axel’s actually saying. He doesn’t protest as Axel puts Roxas’s coat on for him again – zips Roxas up from head to toe – as he’s already half-asleep, even standing up. He doesn’t mind the fuzziness in his head and in his body because whatever was bothering him before is gone.

_Axel must have taken care of it_ , Roxas thinks, _just like he said he would_. Axel must have his own coat on again, too, since the redhead makes a corridor with the arm that isn’t holding Roxas upright. The journey through the corridor doesn’t bother him, and Roxas lets Axel lay him down in his bed in The World That Never Was without protest. He tries to get Axel to lay down with him, nuzzling at Axel’s hand since Roxas is too tired to speak by now, but Axel just disentangles himself quietly and stares at Roxas with his bright green eyes. A few moments later, Roxas falls into a deep, dreamless sleep with a soft, unaware smile on his face.

By the time he wakes up in his bed the next morning, Roxas has no recollection whatsoever of any trip away from the castle the night before.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

While the Castle Oblivion mission has been ongoing, Roxas has been going on missions with number XIV, Xion. Xion spent the first two days mostly mute, only casting magic to help Roxas take down the Heartless they’d been assigned, but on the third day, Roxas actually gets a good idea of what Xion is like. Xion is a girl, like Larxene, but she’s both closer to Roxas’s age and a lot friendlier as well. The most surprising thing about her, however, occurs just when the mission is about to be completed.

“Roxas, watch out!” They’re fighting together against a Darkside Heartless – with Roxas providing most of the muscle with his Keyblade and Xion backing him up with magic – when things take a turn for the unexpected. Roxas is up close to the Heartless, dodging blows and bursts of dark energy, but he miscalculates. The Heartless strikes, and Roxas is thrown off-balance, his Keyblade flying out of his hand. There’s a long moment, where Roxas watches the Keyblade arc away from him, but then it shines and transports itself with a flash into Xion’s hand.

Xion seems just as surprised as Roxas at first, gasping at the Keyblade in her hand, but she quickly springs into action. Letting out a short attack yell, she jumps and swings at the Heartless, Keyblade in hand. Her swing connects, and the Heartless recoils, collapsing in on itself and dissolving into black smoke. A moment after Xion lands back on the ground, still in a fighting stance, the Keyblade vanishes in another flash of light. Mission accomplished.

“Xion…” Roxas’s jaw is hanging open a little, “That was incredible! I didn’t know you could use the Keyblade, too.” Xion, though she seems almost as surprised as Roxas, relaxes out of her battle stance.

“I didn’t either, until now,” she responds, cheeks a little pink from the fighting still, but pleased.

“We should celebrate,” Roxas declares. “You deserve a treat.” He wants to thank her, and wants her to know what it’s like to be rewarded for putting in a lot of effort.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"The view here is great, Roxas," Xion says as she looks out over the town, sitting on the clock tower at his left side.

"Axel was the one who showed me this place," Roxas responds, smiling as he hands her an ice cream. "He said that if you do a really good job, you deserve an extra reward." Xion takes the ice cream and looks at it for a moment. “It’s called sea-salt ice cream.” Taking a small bite, she stops and then stares at it in shock.

“It’s… sweet,” she says, surprised, “but salty at the same time!” She takes another bite, and Roxas watches her expectantly as he eats his own ice cream. “It’s good.” She nods at Roxas in approval. “I like it; it’s really unique.”

“Sea-salt ice cream is Axel’s favorite,” Roxas explains, as he takes another enthusiastic bite of his own ice cream. “We like to sit here after we get done with work, and we eat ice cream and talk about stuff.”

“I think it’s _your_ favorite, too, Roxas,” Xion comments, giggling and smiling just that little bit teasingly. It’s then that Roxas realizes half the words coming out of his mouth have been about Axel, and he gives his own sheepish laugh in return.

“Axel is a really good friend,” Roxas says, and thinks that the slight warmth in his face isn’t bad because the reason for it is a good one. “He knows a lot of stuff, and I like hanging out with him.” He carefully avoids thinking about the things he does with Axel that he hasn’t told Xion because he’s pretty sure that would make his face a little _too_ warm for comfort.

“A friend…” Xion muses. “Do you think I could be a friend?” Roxas hasn’t known Xion that long, but he already feels like he can really relate to her; he thinks Xion would definitely make a good friend.

“When Axel gets back from Castle Oblivion,” Roxas replies, “we can ask him, and then we can all eat ice cream together.”

“Okay,” Xion says, and they continue eating.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

When Roxas walks into the Gray Area the next day to receive his mission, everyone is in an uproar.

“Did you hear?” Demyx's eyes are wide, and he's clutching his sitar tightly.

“...Hear what?” Roxas asks. Something must be going on. Aside from Demyx, Xigbar, Xaldin, and Luxord are in the Gray Area as well.

“At Castle Oblivion!” Roxas glances over at Xion, who is also there, but she seems to be keeping mostly silent.

“What’s going on?” Roxas asks again.

“The whole team might’ve gotten… erased.” Demyx fiddles with one of the tuners on his sitar. “We can’t even contact them…”

“Terminated.” This time, the response comes from Xaldin. “Destroyed.”

“Terminated?” It’s not a word Roxas has heard before today, but he doesn’t have to guess to hard at what it means.

“ _Gone_ , man,” Demyx insists. “They got killed by the enemy, and now we’re never gonna see ‘em again.” Six Organization members had been sent on the mission to Oblivion, and now they were never going to come back. Demyx ignores the elder members in favor of talking to Roxas and Xion. “Well, _you_ two can’t be too broken up about it, since you just joined recently, I guess…” There were members Roxas had met that he was never going to see ever again, in his entire life. “You didn’t really know the Oblivion crew that well, did you?” It was true; the only member of the Oblivion Crew that Roxas had really known was…

Axel. _Axel_ had gone to Castle Oblivion.

"Breaks your little heart, doesn’t it, kiddo?” Xigbar grins.

“Mediocre jokes aside,” Luxord interjects, “the idea that the entire team could have been terminated is disquieting, to say the least.” Xigbar doesn’t seem offended by the assessment of his joke, only more pleased.

“…We’re never going to see them again?” Roxas asks. The thought of never seeing Axel again does something very strange to Roxas’s insides. He doesn’t like it.

“It’s like they just… _poof_ , disappear!” Xigbar accompanies his statement with expressive hand gestures.

“Don’t _say_ it like that, Xigbar,” Demyx whines. “You’re only making it worse…” Xigbar just laughs.

“They probably didn’t even leave a spot on the floor behind.”

“Blathering of that sort is quite useless,” Xaldin snorts, and Demyx sighs in relief as Xigbar’s attention is turned away to someone else.

“But you’re still participating, aren’t you?” Xigbar points out. “What a contradiction.”

“I’m as displeased to hear of this just as much as you are,” Xaldin shoots back. “We need to focus on finding out the cold, hard facts.”

“Are you _sure_ they’re all gone?” Roxas presses, but no one seems to bother answering him. Xion stays silent by his side.

In the midst of the arguing, a corridor swirls, and Saïx walks briskly out of it.

"Enough." Saïx's golden eyes are sharp, and his voice is curt. Xion takes the tiniest of steps closer to Roxas. "Any baseless conjecture or jumping to conclusions will cease immediately. You all have missions that are vital to the success of the Organization, and slacking off will not be tolerated." Xigbar grins.

“Alright, kiddo,” Xigbar says to Roxas, “you’ve got your mission with me today, so let’s get going.”

“Don’t call me kiddo,” Roxas responds automatically. “What about the members at Oblivion?”

“You can find out more once we’re done with our mission, kiddo.” Xigbar replies curtly. “Work comes first, especially if we have to make up for dead coworkers.”

“Don’t call me kiddo,” Roxas repeats.

While on his mission with Xigbar in Agrabah, Roxas collapses and falls asleep. When he wakes up, he can’t remember what he was doing the day he collapsed. He gets a weird lump in his throat when he finds out that Axel really is gone. No amount of ice cream makes it go away. Although Roxas likes spending time with Xion, no amount of time with _her_ makes it go away, either. Not even the weird images Roxas begins to see about a guy in red distract him enough make it go away.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The only thing that makes the weird lump go away is when Axel comes back.

“Hey, Roxas!” Roxas, who had been walking in the back alley of Twilight Town, whips his head around to find the source of the voice. It’s… familiar.

It’s Axel. Roxas can’t speak, only stare back and watch as Axel slowly walks towards him.

“What’s wrong?” Axel’s grinning easily. “Don’t go talking my ear off.” The fact that Axel is really, truly standing in front of Roxas finally sinks in.

“Axel! You’re okay!” Roxas runs up and eliminates the rest of the space between himself and Axel. “I was so worried! They said everyone got terminated.” He looks up into Axel’s face, clutching lightly at Axel’s coat. “You’re… okay, right?” He studies the redhead’s expression carefully.

“I’m standing right here, aren’t I?” Axel responds, smiling. “Completely un-terminated. Not even any limbs missing.” He’s looking at Roxas a little strangely, but everything _seems_ to be fine. Still, Roxas doesn’t want to let go just yet.

“I was really worried,” he repeats, burying his face in the front of Axel’s coat a bit.

“Hey,” Axel says, and Roxas looks up again. “Since I’m completely fine, and since _you_ don’t have a heart to worry with, this is pretty ridiculous, isn’t it?” Roxas feels the corners of his mouth turn up again.

“O-Okay,” he agrees, letting go of Axel’s coat and stepping back. “I’ll go get us some ice cream!”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Axel doesn’t mention anything about his mission at Castle Oblivion, only that he’s glad to be done and hasn’t RTC’d yet. When Roxas expresses concern, Axel just shrugs.

“Saïx can deal without me checking in for one more day,” Axel says, munching on his ice cream. “He’s way too much of a pain about those missions, anyway.” Roxas senses that Axel doesn’t really want to talk about his mission anymore, so he decides to fill him in on what’s been going on with himself while Axel’s been gone.

“I was asleep for a while, but since I’ve woken up, I’ve been going on a lot of missions with Xion,” Roxas says, eating his own ice cream contentedly. He likes being able to tell Axel what’s been going on. “I had ice cream with her some, while you were gone. She’s my friend now.” Axel stops eating and looks at him with an eyebrow raised.

“Really?” Axel asks calmly. For some reason, Axel doesn’t seem as enthusiastic about this as much as Roxas thought he would be.

“Uh huh.”

“Was it just ice cream, or...?” Oh, Axel must be asking about Bathtime. Roxas gets the impression that Axel doesn't _want_ Roxas to have Bathtime with Xion.

“...Xion is a girl,” Roxas replies, blinking, and Axel relaxes a little. “But I was thinking that the three of us could have ice cream together.”

“Sure,” Axel says, and smiles.

“It’ll be fun,” Roxas agrees, and he’s really glad that they were able to clear up the misunderstanding. He isn't sure if he wants to have Bathtime with Xion, or even if girls do that sort of thing at all. Axel seems to think it's a possibility, but... Roxas hasn't decided, yet. Maybe it's something the three of them could do together later, but Axel isn't friends with Xion yet. When they're all friends, Roxas will think about it again.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

After they finish their ice cream, Roxas goes with Axel back to his room, and they have Bathtime together. It’s strange, but Axel seems just as wound-up as Roxas does during things. They spent too much time away from each other; Roxas can't tell which one of them wants the reassurance more, and they cling to each other more than they did before Axel left for Oblivion. Even after they're done, Roxas stays in Axel's bed, half laying on top of the redhead, tracing one of Axel's tattoos with his finger and smiling for no particular reason other than the knowledge that Axel is back and safe and didn't disappear.

"You like those?" Axel asks. Roxas hums. “They’re called tattoos. Someone paints ink on your skin and uses a needle to imprint a design on it permanently.”

"When did you get these tattoos, Axel?" Roxas runs his finger over it again. "Do a lot of people get them?"

"Some humans get them," Axel replies. "It's not common, but it's not unheard of, either.” Roxas wonders what would make someone decide to permanently put color on their skin. “Some worlds associate it with criminals, but on other worlds, it’s considered art.” He's seen humans wear makeup, but this is different, more like the markings Saïx or Xigbar have.

"Why did you do it, then?" Axel seems a tiny bit surprised by the question, which is odd to Roxas, since they've just been talking about it.

"It wasn't me," Axel answers after a moment, "it was my Somebody." He grins, seemingly amused. "It involved a gypsy, an interrupted party, a _lot_ of alcohol, and..." Roxas has no idea what any of those things are but nods expectantly, waiting for Axel to continue, "...and the description is really a lot more interesting than the explanation," Axel finishes briskly, smiling again, though it's a bit tight around the edges. "We should get cleaned up and then go to bed. You need your sleep, or you won't do well on your mission tomorrow."

"You stopped right at the interesting part," Roxas complains, though he lets Axel sit him up and start cleaning. He contemplates Axel's cut-off answer some more. "I wonder what my Somebody was like... I wish I could remember." Axel laughs.

"But you're not your Somebody anymore," Axel answers. "In some ways, I think you've got it easier, not having to worry about that." Roxas is quiet, but doesn't correct Axel right away. "Alright, off to the bath with you."

Why would Axel think not knowing something was better than knowing it? It was true that Roxas wasn't his Somebody anymore, and Axel wasn't _his_ , either, but weren't there some things you _had_ to know? Even if there was a chance it'd make you worry or be unhappy, didn't you at least have the right?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"What are we doing here, Roxas?" Xion asks, staring daggers at her ice cream.

"Huh?" Xion seems really out of it, ever since she got back from that mission she failed. "What do you mean?"

"We go on missions and collect hearts to make Kingdom Hearts, but what is it all _for?_ Is getting a heart of your own really worth it?"

"Well..." Roxas replies, not really sure what he's supposed to say, since he doesn't know much about hearts either, "Axel says that once we get our hearts, we'll be able to tell the difference better." Xion's glare towards her ice cream gets stronger.

"I'm not asking about what the _Organization_ officially says," she retorts. Roxas doesn't really think Axel's opinion should be lumped so readily with the opinion of the Organization as a whole, but Xion continues before he has the chance to protest this. "I get dreams sometimes, and I wonder if they're about who I was before I was a Nobody, but after I wake up, I can't remember what was in them. I just wake up feeling _wrong_. Would a heart make that any better, or is there something about me that's just broken?"

“ _I_ don't think you're broken," Roxas responds vehemently. "You have every right to be confused. I can't remember who I was before I was a Nobody, either, so I think it's just hard to understand why a heart is so important if you don’t have memories as reference." For the first time, Roxas contemplates showing Xion what Bathtime is. It's to cheer her up, really, since she seems upset about the mission she failed, fighting an imposter wearing the Organization coat. The idea of Bathtime with a girl is kind of weird, but Xion is his friend; she’d obviously given the mission her all, and Roxas thinks that should be recognized. Roxas had hoped that eating ice cream and talking would cheer her up all on its own, but it seems like that's not the case. "And... and besides," he tries to come up with something to distract her, while he figures out how to tell her about Bathtime, "I was talking to Xigbar a while ago, and he said we were special. We're the same, so if we work together-"

"No, Roxas," Xion interrupts coldly. "We're different. _You_ might be special, but I'm just a mistake." Before Roxas has the chance to tell her that wasn't what he meant, Xion makes a corridor for herself and leaves. After a few moments of shock, Roxas hangs his head in confusion, letting the rest of his ice cream drip off the edge of the clock tower.

When Xion doesn't show up for ice cream the next day, Roxas tells Axel what happened about Xion's failed mission and the reaction Xion had when Roxas tried to cheer her up. Axel takes all the information in silently for a few moments, and then seems to reach a conclusion.

“Well,” Axel says, with an air of importance, “girls are complicated. If you push the wrong button, they get upset.”

“I don’t get it,” Roxas replies sullenly, just staring back at Axel. Xion is his friend, but Roxas prefers it when things are simple; the complicated-ness of girls is a mystery that’s too much of a headache for him to solve. Axel laughs.

“She just needs some space for a while,” Axel explains. “Give her some time, let her calm down a little, and before you know it, all three of us will be eating ice cream together up here.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Axel, what's love?" The question seems to take Axel by surprise, so much so that he almost drops his ice cream off the tower.

"...Love?" Axel repeats, quickly recovering. "Where'd you hear that word?"

"I was on a mission today..." Roxas nibbles on his ice cream absently, more watching Axel than really paying attention to anything else. "I learned that it's something really powerful," Axel looks like he's thinking to himself, "so I was wondering what it is."

"Love is a power," Axel responds, as if he's choosing his words carefully, "that comes from emotions. You need a heart to love." He's staring off into the sunset. "It's hard to explain."

"You need a heart for it?" Roxas looks down at his ice cream. "...Nobodies can't love?" Then, Roxas realizes that Axel still hasn't really explained it and looks back at the redhead, frowning. He doesn't like it when Axel pretends to explain something and doesn't, especially if the explanation involves the requirement of a heart. "But what _is_ it?" Axel gives him a sidelong glance, and then apparently decides he can't get out of a real explanation.

"Love is something really special that happens between people. It can make you do all sorts of crazy things you might not normally do."

"Oh, like best friends?" Best friends were more special then friends; Axel had said so himself. And Roxas knew that he was definitely willing to do things because of his best friends that he wasn't willing to do for other people he knew. Why hadn't Axel said so in the first place?

"I dunno..." Axel hedges, looking away again. "Love doesn't depend on if you're friends or not, not really." Roxas doesn't know why Axel is being so vague, but it's not very helpful. "Besides, there are different kinds of love."

"Different kinds..." Roxas muses on this. On Roxas's last mission, the Beast had been fighting for everyone in his castle, but Roxas is pretty sure the Beast's feelings for Belle are different than his feelings for the servants. And _Roxas_ considers both Axel and Xion his best friends, but there are things Axel makes him think about that he doesn't think about with Xion. Axel has managed to convince Roxas about different _types_ of love, but Roxas is still skeptical about the requirements. "So people in love do things they normally wouldn't?"

"A lot of the time, yeah," Axel answers. "People with hearts can be really illogical. They'll do things just so that the person they love will stay close to them, or they'll do things for another person that they don't personally benefit from, or even things that are harmful to themselves. Sounds pretty ridiculous, doesn’t it?" Axel seems more comfortable, now that he's the one directing the conversation again. Roxas thinks about it some more.

"Are you _sure_ you need a heart to love someone?" he presses. Axel bites into his ice cream roughly.

"Nobodies don't have hearts," Axel replies, clipped and a little flat. "If there's no heart, there’s no emotion. We can remember emotions our Somebodies had, but we can't feel them. That includes love." He bites at his ice cream again, then winces, just the tiniest bit.

"Axel?"

"...Ice cream headache."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"...Roxas?"

"..." Roxas really wants to be able to love. He really, really, _really_ wants to. It doesn't seem fair that just because he doesn't have a heart, he can't. The heart itself is still an abstract concept that Roxas doesn't really understand, but love is something that seems so _real_.

"Roxas? You in there?" He blinks, and Axel's face comes into focus. "You must be tired."

"Everyone keeps saying different things about what a heart is like.” If Roxas voices his thoughts, will that help? “And some of them say that to understand the heart, you need to have one yourself. When Kingdom Hearts is finished, will we really get our hearts? Would things make sense after we get hearts?"

"Only way," Axel replies, smiling easily. "Speaking of, we should get to the baths. You need your sleep to _get_ those hearts on your mission tomorrow." Roxas frowns in annoyance. He wasn't talking about work; he was talking about _hearts_. Axel's avoiding the question again.

"I'm not tired yet," Roxas retorts stubbornly, rolling Axel over and pinning him to the bed.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Roxas is having dinner with Axel when Xigbar walks into the dining area, sighing happily.

"Why are you _smiling_ so much?” Axel looks almost horrified. “That can’t be a good sign.”

"Got to go to Agrabah today," Xigbar answers, still grinning.

"The place with all the sand?" Roxas asks, dubious.

"The place with all the _harem dancers_ ," Xigbar corrects. Roxas has seen some of those dancers before, and they always attract a crowd. They’re always in some gauzy type of fabric, dancing and shaking their hips around. Roxas isn’t really sure _why_ the dancers always get such huge crowds because it all looks so impractical. “I’d really like to dance the _horizontal mambo_ with some of those girls, if you know what I mean.”

“You dirty old man,” Axel comments, pushing his plate away. “I think I’ve lost my appetite.”

“How do you dance horizontally?” Roxas asks, puzzled. “Do you use Gravity spells for that?” Xigbar bursts out laughing. Axel looks annoyed.

“C’mon, Roxas,” Axel says, getting up from the table, “you don’t need to listen to this old pervert go on about harem dancers.”

“No, no,” Xigbar protests, still laughing. “I can’t believe he doesn’t – _shit_ , this is priceless.” Axel picks up both his and Roxas’s plates and brings them to the sink to wash them off, pointedly ignoring Xigbar. “Kiddo, you’re hilarious.”

“My name is _Roxas_ ,” Roxas insists. “Not kiddo.” He gets up to help Axel with the dishes.

“Flamesilocks, here,” Xigbar’s favorite nickname for Axel, “has been seriously remiss in some of your education.” Roxas slows, and turns back to face Xigbar. “It doesn’t have anything to do with _Gravity spells_ , although I’m perfectly capable of doing it that way, of course. What I mean is that I’d like to get into that dancer’s pants.” Roxas blinks back, still confused.

“You want to wear her clothes? What does that have to do with dancing?” Xigbar looks as if he can’t decide whether to laugh again or not.

“I want to feed her kitten.” A blank response. “I want to play Hide The Salami.” Nothing. “I want her to sink my battleship.” Xigbar’s not laughing anymore. “I want to knock boots with her.” Axel’s stopped cleaning dishes and is just observing the proceedings. Roxas thinks that Axel might be waiting for a chance to leave, which at this point might be a good idea because Xigbar’s just talking gibberish.

“You’re not making any sense,” Roxas says.

“I want to play doctor with her,” Xigbar replies, looking as if he’s beginning to get a headache. “I want to get busy with her.” Roxas just stares back. “I want to take a roll in the hay with her. Come _on_ kiddo, I’m really trying here.”

“I don’t get it,” Roxas says, and then remembers to be irritated at the nickname. “Don’t call me kiddo.”

“Boinking,” Xigbar says, now reduced to single-word-sentences and tone of voice flat. “Shagging. Humping. Porking. Banging. Fornicating. _Fucking_.”

_Fucking_ is a word Roxas has heard before. Axel says it sometimes when he’s angry, usually something like _fucking Demyx, not again_ or _I’m so fucking tired_ or _Fuck, that was a close one; that Heartless almost ripped my arm off_ , but Roxas doesn’t get what that has to do with Xigbar and a harem dancer. Now that he thinks of it, though, he doesn’t actually know what _fucking_ means.

“Axel,” he says, turning away from Xigbar, “what does _fucking_ mean?” The word sounds strange on his tongue, sharp and forceful. Axel looks speechless for a moment, and then as if he wants to say five different things at once. His face is turning a little red, and he starts stalking over to where Roxas is standing. Roxas wonders if Axel is going to drag him out of the room. Xigbar starts laughing again.

“Come on, Roxas,” Axel says, sounding irritated. “Let’s _go_.”

“Now wait just a minute,” Xigbar says, still sounding amused. “Don’t you think you should answer the kiddo’s question?” Axel doesn’t look as if he wants to do that. “You’re the one who was supposed to teach him everything, weren’t you?” That _is_ true, Roxas realizes, and then he wonders why Axel doesn’t want to tell him. “If _you_ aren’t doing your job right, then it looks like it falls on _me_ to educate Roxas on this subject.” Axel starts grinding his teeth.

“What’s _fucking_?” Roxas asks again; he doesn’t _like_ it when Axel avoids telling him things. Axel slaps a hand to the front of his face.

“When I say that I want to fuck that girl,” Xigbar responds, smirking, “what I mean is that I want to find a secluded, sand-free little room in that city, and I want to bring her there with me, and then I want to take her clothes off, throw her on the bed, and-”

“ _That’s_ enough,” Axel interrupts. It takes a few moments, but Roxas finally processes that last explanation from Xigbar.

“…Oh,” Roxas says. Xigbar means Bathtime. It was the talk about the clothes and the bed, actually, that gave it away. Then, after another moment of contemplation, and fairly scandalized, too: “But you don’t even _know_ her!” It doesn’t seem right, in Roxas’s opinion, to do that with someone who wasn’t a friend, let alone someone you didn’t even _know_. Xigbar starts cracking up again.

“Kiddo, you’re _priceless_ , just _priceless_.”

“I’m happy for you that one of Roxas’s many shreds of moral decency – that you unsurprisingly _lack_ – amuses you,” Axel replies, not actually looking happy for Xigbar.

"Don't I outrank you?" Xigbar grins back. “If I want to teach him things, I’m allowed.”

"You sound like Vexen when you say that," Axel retorts grumpily.

"Oh~? And you're going to set me straight, Flamesilocks?" Suddenly, something in the tone of Xigbar's response, or maybe the way he's grinning at Axel, makes Axel very uncomfortable. It only lasts for a moment, though, and then Axel promptly changes to looking exasperated, rolling his eyes.

"Carry on, my esteemed elder," Axel says sarcastically, waving a hand at Xigbar. Roxas is still confused, but Xigbar quickly swoops in to finish what he'd been telling Roxas previously.

"Now, kiddo," he says, single eye twinkling with mischief, "you can use 'fuck' and all its derivatives as a noun, a verb, _and_ an adjective; it's very versatile that way, which is why I like it so much."

"Don't call me kiddo," Roxas responds automatically. Xigbar just laughs it off and then continues to teach Roxas - to Axel's irritation - how to curse while they wash some more dishes.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Later that night, when Roxas is with Axel in Axel's room, naked and lazy, he finally remembers to ask the question.

"Did we just fuck?" Axel makes an annoyed sound.

"It's called _sex_ , Roxas," Axel replies, huffing. Roxas pushes himself up with an elbow to look at Axel more fully.

"Xigbar didn't mention that one," he points out, but that only deepens the crease between Axel's eyebrows.

"He wouldn't, would he? Everything but the _actual_ name." Roxas just blinks back at Axel, and the redhead tries to elaborate further. "Listen, you know it's a bad idea to go around repeating everything Xigbar says, right?" Roxas nods. It's common knowledge that no one else is allowed to say the kinds of things Xigbar says sometimes; Demyx, especially, has gotten in trouble with Saïx for doing stuff like that. "So this is just one of those things, alright?"

"But you say some of those words sometimes," Roxas says. He's heard Axel say curse words before, even if he didn't know what they meant until today.

"Um..." Axel looks away. "Do as I say and not as I do?" Roxas stares flatly at Axel until the redhead looks back. "Just... don't make a habit out of it, okay?" Roxas contemplates this for a moment.

"Okay," he says, and Axel finally stops looking uncomfortable.

When he writes in his diary that night, after he's gone back to his own room, he's again glad that it's a _private_ diary.

_Xigbar taught me how to curse today, and I learned that one of the names people use for Bathtime is 'fucking'. Axel says the real name for it is 'sex', and he also told me not to curse. I think I like the way 'fuck' sounds more, but I'm not supposed to say it out loud, so I'll just use it when I write in this diary._

_After dinner was cleaned up, when everyone else went to their rooms or to Luxord's card game, Axel and I went to his room and we fucked. Then I took a bath and went back to my room._

When he's done writing, Roxas puts his diary in his bedside table and locks the drawer with his keyblade.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Just when things seem to be going well, Xion starts feeling sick. Then, she goes missing. Later, it's revealed at a meeting that she ran away. Throughout this whole course of events, Axel avoids telling the truth and avoids talking with Roxas or even seeing him entirely.

Thankfully, after a very strange mission to a strangely nostalgic place, Axel finally starts talking with Roxas again. They agree to look for Xion against Xemnas's orders, and while Roxas doesn't feel like _both_ of his best friends are gone anymore, the search for Xion doesn't turn up any leads. No matter what world he goes to, Xion just isn’t there.

“The one place we haven’t looked yet,” Roxas says, “is Castle Oblivion.” Axel looks hesitant.

“Roxas, are you sure we should be looking there? The enemy could be using it as a base; it might not be safe for-”

“You want to find Xion, don’t you?” Roxas demands. Axel nods, frowning. “Then we have to go look.”

“Alright,” Axel caves. “Just… stick close to me, okay?” It almost seems a little strange for Axel to be acting like this, if Roxas stops to think about it, but… he’s just concerned, right? And they’re both worried about Xion. It’s not a big deal. Axel even manages to get Saïx to let the two of them go on a mission there, to fight the imposter, so Roxas pushes his doubts out of his mind and tries to focus on finding Xion.

As soon as Roxas steps foot in Castle Oblivion, though, he begins to feel strange. His head pounds, and his legs refuse to hold him upright, causing him to kneel on the floor. Axel shouts something at him, but any resistance either Roxas or Axel could form is too slow for the tidal wave of memories that suddenly crash into Roxas.

The images, the sounds, the tension humming through him: everything rushes into Roxas’s consciousness at once. It’s a never-ending stream of memories, and Roxas can’t tell if those memories belong to him or to someone else.

A duck and a dog help fight off a giant, three-headed creature. A wooden boy talks to a cricket, his nose growing. A mermaid swims in a cavern filled with many different objects she's collected. A scarred man talks about separation. It’s all too much to keep up with at once, and Roxas feels himself begin to bend and strain under the weight of it all. Is this what it’s like to have memories of the past? If Roxas keeps falling into these memories, will he become subsumed? He can’t tell anymore where the dividing line is between everything that makes up Roxas and what makes up the person to whom these memories belong. If he keeps falling and falling forever, will he simply cease to exist?

“Come on, Sora.”

_Is… that my name? It doesn’t feel wrong, but it doesn’t feel right, either._

“Giving up already?”

_That phrase is so familiar. I’ve heard someone say that to me before. Who said that to me? And why? What was I trying to do? It felt like such a hard task to accomplish, something much harder than someone my age should ever have to do, and I was so worried. I was worried that I wouldn’t see that person ever again._

“I thought you were stronger than that.”

_He’s right; I can’t give up. There’s someone I need to reach, to save, that’s more important than whatever gave me doubts. This is proof that I can reach that person. I can do **anything**. I can-_

“RIKU!” Roxas sits up abruptly, gasping in deep gulps of air. It seems he’s resting in someone’s arms. It’s… a warm, comfortable embrace. Roxas gets the feeling that he’d been talking with someone before, someone really important; was it the person who’s holding him now?

No, that can’t be right. Roxas was… asleep, or passed out, or something. It must have been a dream, right? It felt so real. Even if it _was_ just a dream, though, Roxas somehow knows that the person in the dream and the person who’s holding him now are two separate people. In the dream, things had been just that little bit chilly, but right now, Roxas feels warm.

"Axel?" he guesses, opening his eyes.

"You okay?" Axel asks him, helping Roxas to his feet. They’ve somehow ended up in the back alley in Twilight Town.

"I think I was having a dream..." Roxas answers, though it's really more to himself than to Axel.

“You collapsed right when we got inside the castle,” Axel says, frowning, tone clipped. “You should rest.” For some reason, it reminds Roxas of Axel's initial underwhelming reaction to finding out about Roxas's friendship with Xion. That couldn't make sense, though; Axel is probably just worried. Roxas shakes his head.

“No, we have to find Xion. I have to-” Roxas stops himself, catching a glimpse of movement out of the corner of his eye. “Who’s there?” There are two people in Organization coats, watching Roxas and Axel. One of them is… “…Xion?” Roxas runs toward the hooded figures, but Xion escapes into a corridor. The other hooded figure – who must be the imposter, Roxas realizes – runs away into the underground passages, and Roxas quickly gives chase.

“Roxas!” Axel calls from behind him. “Hey, Roxas! Wait up!” Roxas really wishes that imposter would just stay put and fight, instead of running away. He’s pretty sure it's that person's fault Xion ran away and isn't spending time with Roxas and Axel, and Roxas would really rather hit them with his keyblade instead of playing hide-and-seek. Even more frustrating is the fact that the imposter gets away before Roxas can catch up and confront him properly.

“Just _what_ is going _on?_ ” Everything is so confusing; he apparently passed out in Castle Oblivion, had a _very_ strangely nostalgic dream, found out Xion was hanging around with the imposter, and was completely unsuccessful in both getting Xion to come back and taking out the jerk responsible for her absence. Thinking about it all is making Roxas’s head start to hurt, and he rubs at one of his temples, sighing.

“At least we know that Xion’s safe,” Axel says, gently nudging him out of his thoughts for the time being. “Come on, let’s RTC; you look exhausted.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Xion returns to the Organization the following day, but at the expense of Axel knocking Xion unconscious to accomplish it. Roxas is furious at Axel for it, but when he tells Xion, she just seems sad.

“You shouldn’t be fighting with Axel…” Xion says. “Especially not about me.”

“But he could’ve done it another way,” Roxas insists.

“I wouldn’t be here, eating ice cream with you, if he didn’t. I shouldn’t have run off like that,” Xion continues, staring out at the sunset, “but everything is going to work out, somehow.” At least _one_ of them seems to be feeling better. “I really wish you’d make up with Axel.” Roxas doesn’t say anything in response. “Please get some rest, Roxas. You look really tired.”

Tired is an understatement. Roxas keeps having the dreams, and they only get more disconcerting as time goes on. His face is always wet when he wakes up, and the dreams play themselves out even when he’s awake, sometimes. Everything seems to be exhausting him, and he still isn’t getting along with Axel.

He doesn’t know how much more of this he can take.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Roxas thinks that this is the best sunset he's ever seen. He wants it to last forever. He knows that the three of them will eventually finish their ice creams and leave, but he still wishes they could somehow stay like this. Even if everything else feels like it’s just getting crazier by the minute, ice cream is something that will always stay the same.

The mission Roxas had been sent on earlier today had been a trap, a test designed to force Roxas and Xion to fight each other, eliminating the weaker of the two. Only Axel’s intervention had saved them from tragedy, and the fact that Roxas knew he could’ve lost the fight sent a chill down his spine. Roxas doesn’t know what to think yet about how they’d been set up, but it made him realize that arguing with Axel wasn’t the solution. Roxas and Axel and Xion needed to work together, and only by being honest and helping each other could things go back to being how they were supposed to be.

No matter what else happens, Roxas knows that he’ll always remember the sunset. That’s how he’ll keep it going on forever. Even as they finish their ice cream and get ready to RTC, the three of them are perpetually watching the sunset in his memory. Xion makes the corridor up there on the tower, but before any of them go through, she turns back to face Roxas and Axel.

“Thank you, both of you,” she says, then leans forward and kisses Roxas. It's a quick little thing, placed at the corner of his mouth and slightly sticky from the ice cream, and before either of her companions can say anything, Xion steps in front of Axel and does the same, but on his cheek. Both Axel and Roxas are surprised by this, but Roxas can tell from the heat on his face that his is the only one that's turning red. "See you later," Xion says to both of them, with a faint hint of pink herself, then goes into the corridor and RTCs before receiving any sort of response.

"...Oh," Roxas says belatedly, after she's gone, and touches a hand to where Xion's lips were. Axel is watching his reaction, but he isn't frowning, just interested. It makes Roxas think that maybe Axel wouldn't mind if Roxas and Xion kissed again, or did more than just kiss. Roxas thinks that maybe he wouldn’t mind so much either, even if Xion _is_ a girl. Maybe not right away, but after a while, after all three of them can have a few more days of just watching the sunset together.

“Let’s go,” Axel says softly. Roxas recovers himself and nods, following Axel through the corridor.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

For some reason, Roxas doesn't want to call it _fucking_ anymore - or any of the other euphemisms he learned from Xigbar - but he doesn't want to call it _sex_ , either. Even going back to Axel's room and actually doing it - but _doing it_ is just too vague, so _that_ doesn't work, either - none of the names for it seem right anymore. There should be a word for the way Axel looks at Roxas when everything about them is so intertwined. Roxas doesn't know what to say, or how to ask Axel about it, but he doesn’t like not having a name for it, either.

After all this time, Roxas still hasn't found the right word he wants to use. Most of the time he's been in the Organization, it's been definitions that he's learned; he’ll hear a word or see an event, and then ask someone what it is. Having things the other way around is very strange. Maybe it's something he needs a heart for, and the possibility makes Roxas aware for a moment of his perpetual confusion regarding the whole _heart_ business, but that doesn't mean he has to stop trying to find the answers, right?

"Roxas, what is it? You going all zombie on me again?" Roxas takes a moment to look at Axel, _really_ look at him. His green eyes are focused on Roxas's face, his eyebrows furrowed, his mouth in a downturn. His bright red hair's a little wilted from sweat, and his lean, pale body is close enough that Roxas can feel the slight tension in Axel’s muscles and the heat radiating from Axel's skin to his own. Axel is expectant, worried even.

"You're worried," Roxas says, as he thinks it. It’s right there, in Axel’s eyebrows, so obvious it’s almost like a shout.

"Need a heart for that," Axel responds. It's the response Axel usually gives whenever Roxas mentions something like this. Now there's a hint of nervousness, too, but it’s unclear whether Axel is nervous because of Roxas or because of himself.

"If I had a heart..." Roxas starts, but isn't quite sure how to broach the topic.

"…Yeah?" But then Roxas realizes he can't ask Axel the question slowly forming in his mind; it would only make Axel look pained again. Roxas lets out a sigh, then smiles at Axel.

"Never mind," Roxas says. He pulls Axel close again and kisses him. He'll figure everything out eventually, one way or another.


End file.
